Humpathon: The Truth is in Here! (via Mowser)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Miss Cel-lu-li-tee

Now, if there's one thing that disgusts me more than the songs they play on radio... okay, I can't just name one thing. But one of 'em would be people who are, erm, how do I put this nicely... fat and decide to put their flabs on display. What? Oh, you're not fat? You're big boned? The image below seems to indicate otherwise, but sure, if that tickles your pickle.

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against people who are fat/obese/overweight. Nothing at all, but I can't help but feel repulsed by those who are fat, yet dress up in the most revealing outfits. Yay you, the only perk of being fat is that you've got huge tits, show it off. Then when guys look, whaddya know? +10 to self-esteem! Yay! Or you might be going, "Hey gurl, you just ignore this angry sumbitch and wear what makes you feel comfortable." Yeah, but it makes EVERYONE else UN-comfortable and besides, how comfy can it be having fat jiggling around like a wind chime?

But that's not my point, I couldn't care less what makes them feel better, whether it's an entire tub of ice-cream drowned in chocolate sauce, marshmallows, bacon, rabbits and cornflakes or only posting pics of themselves, neck up. Cool down on the super, short shorts will ya? Unlike you guys, some of us are skinny and can't afford to lose our appetites. Yes, I am talkin' about fat people dressing up in outfits 7 times smaller their size then stomping around malls, clubs and whatnot proudly parading their cellulite.

And as with all the things I hate, this too, has now given me inspiration to rant. Heck, fuck it, I'll even go to the extent of writing a song. You guys remember the song "Dy-na-mi-tee" by Miss Dynamite? Here's the Moose's version. I call this one...

"Cel-lu-li-tee"

Yo I'm not the same little girl that grew up next door to you

Went through all the things a teenage girl goes through

Eatin' out all night breakin my curfew

When my daddy locked the fridge I gave my mumma the blues

Use 2 spend my time blazin' lazin' days away

Knew I was fat left home at 15 didn't want to obey

Had 2 get my act together couldn't take the heat

Ah, who am I kiddin'? Let's go fuckin' eat

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I stay eatin' up ur cereals everybody gotta still feed me though

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Hear me chompin' on da radio

Now feel my carbs, u get me though

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' in da video

And I come to eat some more

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Everybody loose control

Let my lips touch your bowl

I remember all the house parties that took place

Bein' in my bed upstairs and I would be stuffin' my face

And my cousins and my brothers we'd sit up all night

Listenin' to my family vibin', eating till the mornin' light

Remember my first years of school I was so innocent

I just wanted to fuckin' eat I never been so content

But the more that I ate I found my pants growing tight

Fuck that, gimme another Sprite,

Cause I be

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I stay eatin' up ur Oreo

Everybody gotta hear me though

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Hear me munchin' on da radio

Now feel my belly grow, u get me though

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' in da video

And I come to eat at the show

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Everybody loose control

Gimme whatever's in that bowl

At 13 I thought I was in love with this guy

Then I realised that all I ever needed was just some pie

Remember eatin' the class clown I was just a disruptive fool

And the beatin' I got first time suspended from school

Remember Sunday School and after go to granmas for lunch

Macaroni, rice and peas, chicken and pineapple punch

Never loved sharing with my mum brother sister and me

Cause' the food was never enough to let me grow

to be

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

My legs' jiggle like Jell-O

Everybody can hear me walkin' through

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

Yeh I'm fat but I reveal it all yo

Now deal widdit and pass me the dough

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

See me bouncin' around in a video

And I'd even eat that fuckin' crow

I'm Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

I can't help but loose control

Now come here while I try to eat ur soul

I'm just Ms. Cel-lu-li-tee

If you look anything like Megan Fox though, by all means, please put those short shorts on.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Insidiously Idiotic

I've sorta given up on movies lately. I remember a time when I could actually list down my "top 5 favourite movies of the month" or if I've been consuming my Scott's Emulsion Cod Liver Oil as instructed by my mother, I could even possibly name my favourite movies for the year. This time around, that doesn't happen. The last good movie I watched was... Fast Five. Whoopee-doo. Most recently, it was Insidious. Which was NOT a good movie.

in·sid·i·ous

adjective /inËˆsidÄ“É™s/

Proceeding in a gradual, subtle way, but with harmful effects

- sexually transmitted diseases can be insidious and sometimes without symptoms

Treacherous; crafty

- tangible proof of an insidious alliance

According to the Moose-tionary, it simply means a stupid horror movie.

I usually wouldn't bother watching a new horror movie release, cause' all the new ones have kids with long hair, violin music and a noisy baby who cries half the movie. But from what I heard about this one, it was scary. VERY, scary in fact. I was intrigued. I had free tickets (always a huge plus), and with all that talk about it being freaky, I was finally ready to sit down and watch a proper movie. Plus, I sorta enjoyed Paranormal Activity and Saw (both, only the first ones), and that James Wan bugger directed Insidious as well. This had to be good, I kept convincing myself.

Sadly, here's how the story went...

The Setting

If you're familiar with Paranormal Activity, you should know how it goes:

They start off with a happy family doing some fun-filled family activity together, the couple is always happy, and the woman is always a house wife. (Sexist! Nah, I kid. Kitchen is where they belong) Then they'd usually have a kid or two. Perhaps a dog. They'll live in a huge house, definitely with a basement or an attic. And oh, they have to be white. Cause' like the great Eddie Murphy once said, when a ghost says "Get outttt," black people get the fuck outta there, but not white folks... no sir-eee. They go, "Well, that's peculiar... what is that?" And then they end up getting fucked. Not literally, cause now that would be fun. Gettin' fucked by a ghost. So anyway, that's exactly how Insidious starts. More or less...

Quit your yapping and make me a bacon sammich, bish!

Next, we have subtle hints that something just ain't right with the house. Perhaps something really small, and almost unnoticeable at first, like a missing box. An open door. A soft thump. (Heehee, thump rhymes with 'hump') Etc. Then it turns dark, and the noises slowly increase day by day, and just like Paranormal Activity, the level of violence and disturbance increases by the day. Some of the disturbances include door slamming, a baby crying, hearing a voice over the baby monitor, laughter, shadows, sudden flashes of a scary figure/face and kids complaining about stuff like "he keeps looking at me mummy" or "I don't like him anymore." And of course, mummy has to ask who "he" is, and the kid will probably say "the little boy who lives upstairs, mummy" or crap like that. You get the picture.

"He keeps looking at me, mummy!"

Anyway, so things start getting more violent, and the wife is convinced the house is haunted. Even more so since her eldest boy suddenly falls into a coma, and not even the doctors can explain the reason. Soon she resorts to an exorcist (who of course has to be an old lady), and finds out that the issue is not with the house, but with the kid. Naturally, the husband thinks it's all a load of crap, but soon, he too starts believing. Then the exorcist explains what happened to the kid. He can basically go on a "soul train" (Haha! I so funny) and separate himself from his body at night, when he sleeps. Only this time, he got a little too adventurous, and got lost. Haha! Take that for not leaving bread crumbs! Oh nuuu! How do they get his soul back? Through a stupid twist of course!

"Get on the soulllll plane brotha!"

The Twist: In a sudden turn of events that would usually only be possible in a M. Night Shyamalan movie, the father TOO has the ability to "soul surf" and so he heroically gets transported into this dimension called "The Further" and from there onwards, the movie starts sucking big time. Why? Well, he has a fist fight with one of the ghosts for starters... And horror movies basically start becoming boring when they show the ghosts. And in this movie, there were A LOT of ghosts - with cheap make up. I swear, even 13 Ghosts looked better.

Anyway, he goes to "The Further" looking for his son, brawls with a ghost, walks past a few other ghosts who reenact how they died, finds the ghost of some old hag who used to hang out with him when he went on his "soul-capades" when he was younger (in hopes of possessing his body), screams at her bravely "You're not real! I'm not afraid of you! I wore my Superman undies today!" and blah blah blah, finds the kid. Brings him back. End of story. Oh but wait! That old hag came back with him, so he's still stuck in 'The Further' which is possibly gonna lead to a much UN-anticipated sequel.

Bottom line? The fuck? Haven't you been paying attention? Now go start from the top all over again.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Comeback Fails

If you practice the art of sarcasm, hey that's awesome, we should meet up sometime. Unless you're a dude of course, then screw you. Not literally but you... argh! Getting back to my point, as a frequent user of sarcasm, you'll notice that very often:

a.) not everyone gets it

b.) not everyone has a sense of humour and lastly,

c.) those not blessed with intelligence, use poorly constructed "comebacks"

According to the only dictionary I read, the Urban Dictionary, a lame-back can be defined as such:

A response to a insult in which you insult the person who insulted you with the insult they insulted you with.

Person: Nick, you are a Mexican and gay
Nick: No, you're gay
Person: That was a lame-back

Now, that's but only one example.

Here are some other examples of comebacks that fail and should also be avoided at all costs:

Anything that involves "your mother"

Example:

Remark: Whoa, nice profile pic. How much time did you spend on Photoshop?

Response: Not as much time as your mother!

But... my mum doesn't even know how to use Photoshop and she doesn't have 6732 profile pictures in various angles and effects. She doesn't even have Facebook! (I hope) Why bring up my mother?

Repeating sentences in a squeaky voice

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: (in a squeaky voice and often, a retarded facial expression) I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance (arm waving)

Now I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna smack you with a frying pan.

Replying with "Whatevah"

Attempting to use reverse psychology

Example:

Remark: I doubt I can eat as much as I wanna puke after watching you dance

Response: Yeah lah, I know you're a good dancer lah. Who am I after all?

Okayyy... and how does agreeing to what I say make it any better for you?

Now that you know, run along my child, and practice, or heck, even google search if you're guilty of any of the above mentioned "comebacks."

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Facebook Meltdowns

Would you stop looking at me like that? I know it's been a while, but seriously, when all you do from 9 - 5 is stare at the screen and write, the last thing you'd wanna do is come back home, stare at the screen and write more. I guess this proves I'm having heaps of fun at work (read: someone please help me. They're watching me) - since now all my ranting can actually be done in print. Minus the vulgarities. Okay, no. Even the magazine isn't spared from my "French" which is why I've honestly taken all my ranting there.

ADVERTISEMENT: For the best in men-tertainment, check out The Score magazine.

Shameless, I know. But speaking of shameless, I've found several topics to rant about

again! Do I hear my imaginary readers cheering? Aww, you guys! I know I've already written a post about Facebook camwhores, so this time, let's take a look at certain habits that people display as their status updates. See, along with a great social networking site comes a great deal of moronic activity. And I'm here to point it out. Harsh, I know, but somemoose's gotta do it. Let's start off with...

THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOUR PROFILE PICTURES

1.) Pouting does NOT make you look cute - it makes you look like a member of the poultry family, specifically, a duck.

2.) Licking your lips does NOT make you look sexy - unless you're Kate Upton. Then of course, the only lips you should be licking would be mine. Kate Upton if you're reading this, marry me.

3.) Sucking on your fingers portrays poor hygiene - and a sort of loneliness, when you come to think about it. Also, when you're fat and you do that, "cannibalism" comes to mind.

4.) Using a profile picture that is 5% you, 67% Photoshop and 28% make-up only scares the living shit out of us when we see you in person. Or we (sometimes intentionally) wouldn't recognize you and conveniently forget to say hi.

Then we have... THE STATUS UPDATES NO ONE CARES ABOUT

"Stuck in a bad jam near that road behind that red building with a polka-dotted roof and a three- legged-Rhino on the front lawn for nearly 10 minutes. FML!"

Telling us that does not in any way, help you OR us. Especially us. It's a waste of time, a waste of status space and above all, how do I put this nicely... ? We don't give a fuck. We have the radio for

updates.

"It's 9PM, still at the office. 7 e-mails, 5 faxes and a dead kitten to clean up. FML"

Same as above, WE DON'T CARE! Cept' for the dead kitten part ): RIP Mr. Waffles. Okay, so you wanna give everyone this image that you "work more than everyone else" and "have a tough job", expecting us to think "Wow, this dude. He's like Superman. He works so much, and here I am going home at 5PM. He must be so awesome. He's gotta be wayyyy more important than I am!" When in fact, what we think is... "HAH HAH! I get to go home at 5 beeyatch! Suck on that your corporate slave! Happy hours anyone? No? Okay, I'll just masturbate."

"Having a slice of bread with Uncle Patrick! Omnomnomnom"

Bitch, we don't give a shit. Unless the bread is laced with LSD, or your mum's a MILF and she has a habit of eating bread while naked, we honestly, do NOT care what you're having for breakfast, lunch, tea, dinner or supper. Look, we get it, you're at some fancy place, and you NEED to show it off but you try to casually divert the attention to "the food", when we actually know you're proud of the fact that you're visiting some fancy restaurant that your parents or boyfriend is paying for. Now if you're cooking something out of Epic Meal Time, now THAT's something you should post up.

"I love you, Mommy! Happy Mother's Day! XOXOXO :)"

And yo mama doesn't even have FB... you expecting us to go "Aww, that's so sweet. I bet that your mum would magically feel your love the moment you post that status up here. Online. Where your mum isn't..." How bout you save the act and actually take your mother out and do something nice for her instead of fishing for compliments over the net?

If you stop fishing for compliments, maybe you'll actually get one...

Next, we have THE FACEBOOK MELTDOWN STATUSES

People who suffer from Facebook meltdowns are my favourite! They're such a fun bunch because their entire life highly depends on Facebook and what goes on there. Think of it this way, each time their photo/status gets a "like" they wet themselves a little, have a goofy smile plastered on their faces and get +5 to their self-esteem. Tell tale signs of these kinda people often include over 500 profile pictures (from every different angle, colour, background), status updates up to 10 times a day and more. A very emotionally-challenged bunch, if you will. Here are some examples:

"What's up with people and... (name smth that everyone else is doing). What a bunch of twats/idiots/wankers!"

Oh, look! You're so unique. You're the epitome of non-"mainstreamness", you're the hipster lord, also you're fat. While there's nothing wrong with being different or having a different opinion (i.e: like how I hate Bieber), don't attempt this just to portray a "tough guy" image. Cause' when you're caught contradicting yourself (which is guaranteed to happen), you're only gonna end up venting your anger on Facebook which leads to my next point.

"Some people should just learn to mind their own business." OR "Say what you want, I'm not affected :)" OR "I have some friends who are just dumb" OR "And this one is for those people I know who think they are (insert something that the poster is actually envious/angry about)"

i.e: good looking, rich, have the best job etc. OR basically any other "subliminal" status updates in which the status poster confuses to be "smart", "discreet" or "sneaky." (It's really not)

These are actually alright to say... if you're five-years old that is. You'd think at most, that only humans with vaginas would attempt this kind of faggotry, but nuuuu... full-grown adults even practice this. Some, also with vaginas.

If you wanna cry over something your fwens said behind your back (aww), perhaps talking to them is a better option. If you have a problem with someone, call that person up, arrange a meet and talk about it like adults. Or hire a flock of killer pigeons strapped with C4s to suicide dive his/her ass. Spare us your emotional status updates on Facebook, cause it's honestly sad and more importantly, makes you look like a giant sack of wrist-slashing-Elton John loving, G-String wearing homo. Or Justin Bieber for short. If you're not "affected", shut the fuck up about it. You don't have to post up a status telling people that you're not affected. Chicks are mostly guilty of these status updates, often craving for 'comforting' comments like: "Aww, babe. It's okay, let's meet up and talk about it. (This often means a night of dressing like a French whore, getting totally wasted, crashing the car and then crying uncontrollably while talking to the ex) I love you hun! Fuck that bastard who hurt you!"

And adding that stupid ":)" does not cloak your fragile feelings of hurt and anger. It does not make us go, "Hey! She/He sounds so angry, but wait a minute! WTF is that?! It's a.. it's a smiley! Oh, she/he must be totally cool with what happened but decided to take time off and post it as his/her status because everyone needs to know. Man, what a cool dude/dudette. I mean, you'd think after all that whining, bitching and complaining s/he'd end the sentence with a "!" but nope, not this guy/gal. She/He smiles!"

FAST FACT:

How To Spot an Insecure FB user/ Facebook Meltdown Candidate

They post something - realize it's stupid - remove it - then realize some people may have seen it - rephrase it and repost it - then over think things once again - fall into a state of paranoia -delete it - realize that "people are watching" (when no one actually cares) - DEACTIVATE FB ACCOUNT (after keyboard slamming, shouting, listening to Metal/Emo music etc.)

Give em' bout two months at most, they'll be back with a "Guess who's back? :))))" (Note that the additional smiles actually symbolizes shame) and give them some time before their habits kick in again.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Moose's Confession Box

Dear Emily Blunt

John Krasinski? You married him? Really Emily? He’s the reason I don’t watch The Office and besides, what’s with that huge chin of his? Does he use it as a tool to crack open walnuts? He's got more chins than a Chinese phonebook. And you call that acting? Bollocks! He makes Keanu Reeves look like friggin’ George Clooney.

But enough about him... No, wait. Just one more. You can be honest – he has the entire Jonas Brothers discography doesn’t he? Okay, now I'm done. Emily, I'm going to be blunt with you (see how funny I am?), regular guys don’t watch The Devil Wears Prada or a movie about the British monarch, but since you were in both, I found it hard to resist. I may have skipped to only your scenes in hopes of some skin, but hey, I am but a Moose with needs. That accent, that elegance... Damn Anne Hathaway for introducing you to John! Can you tell her how much I friggin' despise her?

You also proved to me and everyone else with half a brain on just how versatile you are by playing the damsel in distress in The Wolfman – I got so pissed when that overgrown mutt chased you around! I mean, screw what the SPCA would say, I'd shoot that overgrown poodle right in the head. Oh, I hear you’ll be taking on the role of Princess Mary in Gulliver’s Travels too, and for the record, even if you were struck by a shrink ray and actually got reduced to the size of a Liliputian, my feelings for you wouldn’t change – unlike John Krasinski. I trust you’ll make the right choice, Emily. You know how to reach me.

Love,
Teh Moose

Monday, January 10, 2011

Batmobile History Lesson

I say young lad. Today, I, Sir Moose the Third shall provide some enlightening for your delicate, Batman loving minds on just how the awe-inspiring Batmobile has evolved. Unlike the pitiful brains of our kind, the Batmobile has in fact, progressed throughout time. Below is the illustration on just how this vehicle I someday hope to possess has so brilliantly evolved. Good day lads and enjoy.

Click this here link and be amazed.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Teh Movie Quiz

Here's a quiz in movies for a change! See if you can spot the 50 hidden movie titles in this picture.

The person who guesses the most movie titles correctly wins a small boost in self-esteem and one week's worth of diarrhea related suffering brought to you by the new Prosperity Burger from Mc Donalds.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Miss Cel-lu-li-tee

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Insidiously Idiotic

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Comeback Fails

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Facebook Meltdowns

Monday, January 17, 2011

Moose's Confession Box

Monday, January 10, 2011

Batmobile History Lesson

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Teh Movie Quiz

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Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Miss Cel-lu-li-tee

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Insidiously Idiotic

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Comeback Fails

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Facebook Meltdowns

Monday, January 17, 2011

Moose's Confession Box

Monday, January 10, 2011

Batmobile History Lesson

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Teh Movie Quiz

Subscribe To Humpathon

Labels

In the Moose we trust.

Spit it out!

Make me!

All about me! ME! ME!!!

Blog Archive

Invade Humpathon

Teh Humpathon Tourists

Humpers Online

The Humpathon Cult Members

The Score

BuzzFeed

Teh Sites