February 2011

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Marriage Advice

Dear Kim: I am a newlywed and my wife Lucy has expressed an interest in a show business career. What is the best way for her to go about it? I Love Lucy

Dear Person: I suggest she make a sex tape with a rapper and then have her mother leak it to the media. I think a career is great idea as I could never have stayed with my husband Kris as long as I did without it.

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  By Kim Kardashian

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February Goddess Horoscopes

ATHENA - the Smart One Who Never Got The Guys Until She Got Contacts (March 21-April 19)

This is a cold, quiet time of the year, time to settle in and start reading some of those books you got for Christmas.  Of course it's difficult to find that block of free time to do so – so many people need your attention.  Spend an hour feeding, dressing, and listening to their complaints.  Then send them out on an errand and lock the door behind them, and prop a chair against that door and all other doors.  Nail up the windows.  Cancel mail delivery.  Throw your computer into the fire.  You can probably get through the first two chapters of "The Hunger Games" before they get back in.

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By Debra Victoroff

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Pageant Special

Glitz Pageant How-To Guide

So, you’ve decided to enter into the glamorous world of glitz pageants! Congratulations, but fair warning: these pageants are not for the faint of heart!  Glitz

pageants are, according to Pageant Director DeeDee Menuiere “The most classiest of all the pageants. We rely mostly on facial beauty so if your child aint pretty she don’t stand a chance.†Menuiere also warns that glitz pageants are very expensive. Your  child will need a pageant dress,  professional pageant photos,  a hair and makeup artist, tanning artist and  nail artist. As well there are the pageant entry fees, and if you need to travel ,your hotel and transportation.

“Pageants for sure, aint for poor people.â€Â  Menuiere said daintily sipping a Diet Coke. “Or fatties.â€

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By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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Parents in Tiaras

According to the Hollywood Reporter, the Discovery Channel is scheduled to add a rebuttal to TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras in their fall line-up.  In this documentary investigation, recruited pageant mothers and some fathers have agreed to become the contestants in an attempt to examine their reactions when placed in this role reversal.

This "Freaky Friday" twist will dress these parents up in all the glitter of "Wow Wear" and hair sprayed big hair not to mention the smile perfection created with the application of their own customized "flippers".

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By Diana Aviles Shields

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Letter from a Pageant Princess

Dear Editor:

"Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful". If I didn’t find tattoos low class and possibly disqualifying that is what I would have tattooed on my back.

I did my first pageant when I was 2 months old. (Actually it was the first pageant that I didn't win Supreme. Do I blame my mother?  No, not really. Could she have dressed me better? Could she have jiggled me more? Could she have swooped me in front of the judges more? Yes, yes and yes. However, this failure and my constant reminding her of this failure set me on a life course of success at any cost.)

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By Mary Beth Houkstra

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Week Twelve --Jenna's Diary (New Jenna March 1st)

Tuesday

Simon is a clown.

Oh, God.He's not a birthday-party -balloon -sculptor clown, which is good,  I guess, I don't know.  He is a bouffon clown which is some sort of European thingy and it is supposed to be terrific.

His clown character "Kristoff" had a hunchback and a limp and the story was about…something. It involved a tarp and a lot of frightened looks and squeaks. The audience loved it so I did too.

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By Sharon Grehan-Howes

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