there is something about this lifestyle. i love it and i hate it and i want to keep doing this, but damn, how i wish i did not have it. in the most politically correct sense, i am now juggling with two jobs. my day job which i could really love more if some people would just pull the damn umbrella out of their asses once in awhile, but hey, i don’t hate it and it pays the rent and i can somewhat say that i am doing my tiny bit to saving the world through this would. yeah, superhero me. and then there is my other job. i call it a job because it has every element of what work is. i wish i could advance in this area, but it is so much work and it is so bloody tiring and when it is fun it is fun but i tell you, when the claws come out, this place feels like a ticking time bomb and all i want to do is duck and take cover. this is the superstar me.

they say you should always do what you love. and if you could find a job that you love, then you’re pretty much set.

thing is, i don’t really know if i have found one of those. a job that i love. i know what i love doing so i guess that is what i try to fill my days with. and yes, these things are peppered with things i don’t really like much. more than peppered, in fact. navigating and sucking in through them happens far too often for my personal liking. but this means that i do what i love, so well… i guess nothing really is too good, kan? and i guess a coupla hardships here and there only reminds us to appreciate things that really matter, kan?

i try to hold on to this. focus on the moments where life is perfect, even if it is just a still frame in my mind.

i wish i had more time to write songs. i wish i had more time for my guitar. i wish i had more time to play in the kitchen. i wish i had more time to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. i wish i had more time to spend with people i love.

well, i do. just in shorter spans. i guess this just makes the appreciation point stronger. still frames.

maybe this is just me lamenting. comes with age, i guess. a realisation that i want so much more, i can do so much more… if only i had more time.

no, i don’t hate this life. i can’t hate it. i am a superhero and a superstar. and if this means that i go to bed nearly melting off my bones at night, at least i fall asleep knowing that i love this. here. now. still frames.

i know this makes me sound old, but i really think that i am feeling… well, indifferent because of my age. not completely indifferent. not naturally either. but decisively, you know. it is a conscious choice that i am making and am trying very hard to stick to.

like many others, i love the gossip and all. the hotter, the juicier, lagi aku suka. but after dose after dose of goss, i find myself starting to feel nauseous about this whole thing. not to the point of being disgusted. but that threshold where what i would like to think where wisdom takes over and i really don’t care to know anymore. korang nak buat apa pun, korang buat lah. just jangan babitkan aku, jangan kacau aku, dan jangan menyusahkan aku sudah.

don’t misunderstand. things are not bitter. they are, as i said, inducively indifferent. you mind your own business and i will mind my own. that is both an understanding and a warning. we mind our own businesses.

because i think your kind of drama could be contagious. and again, experience tells me so. i have seen your kind. in fact, your kind is the very kind that i would keep my daughter far far away from.

but hey, if i am going to declare a judgement, i would say that i don’t have one. because i can’t say anything good about you. and i am careful in implying the negative to the likes of you. so we stay on our on turf. and that’s all there is to it.