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Lunch: Sunflower seeds, an entire jar of kosher pickles, and Valentine's candy stolen from my daughter's room. bit.ly/zUkdtT1 minute agovia webTonight on #Conan, I play with hamsters, urinate gravy, and @SteveMartinToGo is "sluggish." #QualityTelevisionabout 21 hours agovia webLunch Today: turkey with sun-dried tomatoes. To drink, a can of Campbells mushroom soup from the 1970's. bit.ly/xyXJ1U1:48 PM Feb 16thvia webToday's lunch: a chicken tostada salad and homemade sangria I poured into a Vitamin Water bottle. bit.ly/zNDvuZ2:06 PM Feb 15thvia webValentine's Day dinner with my Executive Producer, Jeff Ross. Love at last!! bit.ly/AlfHhn10:25 PM Feb 14thvia webIn honor of Valentine's Day, I'm having a small chicken burrito and an apple. Start your sex engines! bit.ly/zPc5u62:00 PM Feb 14thvia webToday's lunch: Turkey patty, garlic broccolini, and roasted veggies. Not pictured: Boston cream pie with mayo. bit.ly/z7IFxj1:40 PM Feb 13thvia webThis week, I'll be taking photos of what I eat for lunch. Someone thought this would be a good idea. They're now looking for a job.1:38 PM Feb 13thvia webGive me a call, @JustinBieber! Together we can make a fortune selling “I Can’t Belieb It’s Not Butter†to kids with high cholesterol.7:45 AM Feb 12thvia webAn Arizona senator wants to create a special holiday just for white people. We already have one called The Season Premiere of Mad Men.9:24 AM Feb 11thvia webWhat will become of the SkyMall catalogue when there are actually malls in the sky?10:00 AM Feb 10thvia webJust heard my old pal Triumph was snubbed for a #GoldenCollarAward, whatever that is. Correct this injustice: bit.ly/yICKwl9:42 AM Feb 9thvia webIs it sadder that I sometimes write myself letters and pretend they're from viewers, or that all those letters say they hate me?10:18 AM Feb 8thvia webNow that football’s over, I have my Sundays back. Get ready, Santa Monica Men’s Quilting Workshop!10:13 AM Feb 7thvia webI lost $500 betting yesterday. Not on the Super Bowl, on “Downton Abbey.â€9:00 AM Feb 6thvia webMake sure to watch for my commercial during the #SuperBowl. You'll only see it if you’re watching a “Sex and the City†re-run on E!.9:15 AM Feb 5thvia webTurns out “Bingo Bango Bongo!†is not a good thing to yell out during sex.6:50 PM Feb 4thvia webHad to see a men’s doctor today. Why? Let’s just say "Newt is no longer surging in the polls."8:33 AM Feb 3rdvia webI like the name "Groundhog Day" much better than the original "Pull Out The Dirt Rat Time."10:09 AM Feb 2ndvia webTonight on #Conan, Apple chose my show to introduce their revolutionary new product - bit.ly/zYIyyS6:42 PM Feb 1stvia web