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Lunch: Sunflower seeds, an entire jar of kosher pickles, and Valentine's candy stolen from my daughter's room. bit.ly/zUkdtT
Tonight on #Conan, I play with hamsters, urinate gravy, and @SteveMartinToGo is "sluggish." #QualityTelevision
Lunch Today: turkey with sun-dried tomatoes. To drink, a can of Campbells mushroom soup from the 1970's. bit.ly/xyXJ1U
Today's lunch: a chicken tostada salad and homemade sangria I poured into a Vitamin Water bottle. bit.ly/zNDvuZ
Valentine's Day dinner with my Executive Producer, Jeff Ross. Love at last!! bit.ly/AlfHhn
In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm having a small chicken burrito and an apple. Start your sex engines! bit.ly/zPc5u6
Today's lunch: Turkey patty, garlic broccolini, and roasted veggies. Not pictured: Boston cream pie with mayo. bit.ly/z7IFxj
This week, I'll be taking photos of what I eat for lunch. Someone thought this would be a good idea. They're now looking for a job.
Give me a call, @JustinBieber! Together we can make a fortune selling “I Can’t Belieb It’s Not Butter†to kids with high cholesterol.
An Arizona senator wants to create a special holiday just for white people. We already have one called The Season Premiere of Mad Men.
What will become of the SkyMall catalogue when there are actually malls in the sky?
Just heard my old pal Triumph was snubbed for a #GoldenCollarAward, whatever that is. Correct this injustice: bit.ly/yICKwl
Is it sadder that I sometimes write myself letters and pretend they're from viewers, or that all those letters say they hate me?
Now that football’s over, I have my Sundays back. Get ready, Santa Monica Men’s Quilting Workshop!
I lost $500 betting yesterday. Not on the Super Bowl, on “Downton Abbey.â€
Make sure to watch for my commercial during the #SuperBowl. You'll only see it if you’re watching a “Sex and the City†re-run on E!.
Turns out “Bingo Bango Bongo!†is not a good thing to yell out during sex.
Had to see a men’s doctor today. Why? Let’s just say "Newt is no longer surging in the polls."
I like the name "Groundhog Day" much better than the original "Pull Out The Dirt Rat Time."
Tonight on #Conan, Apple chose my show to introduce their revolutionary new product - bit.ly/zYIyyS
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