Almost a year ago today I asked Wil Wheaton for a picture of himself collating paper. Weeks later he realized that I was relatively harmless and acquiesced. And the internet rejoiced. Twenty two hours ago Wil Wheaton asked me for a very special picture of the infamous Juanita the Weasel in exchange for being my best friend for a whole day.

This, Wil Wheaton, is for you:

PS. I choose a sunny day in March and I’d like there to be ponies involved. Or monkey butlers. Either one. I’m not picky.

{ 236 comments }

The other day a girl on twitter sent me a picture of a taxidermied weasel that reminded her of me.  Victor thought this was meant to be an insult but then I showed him the picture and he gave me a look like “HOLYSHITSNACKS, THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF YOU.”  Or possibly “HOLYSHITSNACKS, WHY ARE YOU BUYING OLD TAXIDERMIED RODENTS?”

Those looks are remarkably similar.

Anyway, I called the place and I said, (in a very high-brow, professional way) “Yes, I’m calling about a weasel?” and then I bought an old, dead weasel over the phone like I was ordering a pizza.  Then I couldn’t stop giggling and Victor refused to speak to me for the rest of the day.

This weasel had already paid for itself.

Victor likes to pretend my bizarre posse of taxidermied friends isn’t awesome but even he was having a hard time keeping the awe out of his voice when Juanita arrived.

Juanita

She’s the first female taxidermied animal I’ve owned, and she stunned me with her diversity. She could look surprised, terrified, overjoyed, irritated and ready to attack depending on the angle and how you were feeling.  She was like a tiny Rorschach inkblot test.  Victor said she looked like she wanted to eat our faces off but personally I thought she just looked so damned happy to see us.  I told Victor that I thought our feelings about this weasel said a lot about our personalities and he agreed although probably not for the same reason.  One thing was certain, this weasel had range.  

Victor:  Where in the hell are you even going to put it?  We’ve run out of room for your weird antique taxidermy.  This is something I never thought I’d have to say to my wife.

me:  Me either because it’s obvious where she fits.  Juanita will go in the art niche.  IT’S PERFECT.

Victor:  You don’t put a stuffed weasel in an art niche.

me:  Well not alone, obviously.  She’d be dwarfed in that large space.  You put a stuffed weasel and an antique alligator dressed as a pirate in an art niche.  It’s a diorama.  IT PRACTICALLY SCREAMS ”ART NICHE”.

Then Victor walked off because apparently he doesn’t understand how art works.

They're like Barbies, only grosser and with more realistic figures.

My assumption is that Victor didn’t appreciate my weasel/alligator diorama because he assumed that the weasel was a boy and didn’t understand that the alligator is a transvestite.  I understood his confusion and so I attempted to make things more obvious for him, but when he asked if I would help him button his sleeves I said, “I can’t right now.  I’m trying to put a dress on this weasel” and then he just walked right out of the house.  Which is unhelpful and also sloppy because no one outside can button those sleeves for you either, Victor.  Plus, he missed out at the first look at Juanita in her snappy new frock:

Anyway, the point is that I now have a new friend and that she’s very glad to meet you.  She’s also starting her own line of greeting cards (see  below) since Victor seems to think that antique taxidermy is an economic drain to us, rather than a boost to the American economy.  I pointed out that I’d already sold $20 worth of Juanita Weasel cards and then he pointed out that I was the one who bought them but I think he’s missing the point and is being every unpatriotic.  Also, I can’t defend myself properly because Economics wasn’t on my degree plan.  I blame my college for making me take mandatory bowling but not offering classes on weasel economics.  Thanks a lot, State College.

PS.  Victor just came back in and I showed him Juanita and explained that she’s so me that I can’t even stand it.  Victor says he can’t stand it either but I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing.

PPS.  I can’t even stop with these:

Sometimes a joyous game of freeze-tag and a scream of terror can look very similar.

Happy Holidays. Fuck with me and I will cut you.

We're laughing with you. Not at you. Unless you aren't laughing.

LITERALLY.

Want to support the American (and Lawson) economy and encourage stimulus and more taxidermic purchases?  Then check out these fine Juanita products: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

UPDATED:  As requested, a Juanita Weasel souffle apron.

{ 571 comments }