Life for rant

That's all.

Not to say I'm bias, but I do have a type - dark hair, light coloured eyes and those symmetrical features. AND I AM SOLD. Oh God, can my future husband look like him please? I like how rapey he looks sometimes. Oh, those eyes look so dreamy and yet there's a tinge of caution. Apparently he was an altar boy. Could have been that even. And the story is, he comes with a PACK.AGE. Naiiiice. 

This year's been one of those years in your life where nothing amazing happened, but you discover little things that moves you along. I don't have a problem with this kind of years btw, it's nearly idle, not much effort to get through. No dramas and frills, least to say! The year was just really about going to university and getting through one semester after another. Probably two most exciting things that have happened would be me directing my literature class project and finally getting to go on a holiday. 

So I ask myself again, am I happy and content? I won't lie, there were patches in this year were I was purely thrilled. The others, it was mostly me trying to get through it. It feels a bit numb, in some ways, I do think I've got a lot more complacent. It's like being in a relationship where everything is too comfortable. I do fear that. 

But then, what does the New Year hold for me? I don't know, I don't really care. What may come will come. I don't have any sort of expectations. Not that I've given up. Expectations mostly end in disappointment to me, it seems.

Life's not all that shit. Only cynical bastards say that. heh.

In 5 years, everything seems to have turned alright. Apparently, I'll have broken free from that very strained relationship I have, moved away to a new place, with a career in the right direction, with some form of financial freedom and mostly importantly, me being married.

Now, the next few years is meant to be rough. So, all toil and then some peace? Something I like that I suppose.

But do I believe it? Hmm, not entirely. The only one who's in control of my fate is God himself. And only He could change everything.

The temptations, the sins. I wish it was all more available to me. Suppose I'll just die a chaste woman after all. Just as long as I'm not bitter and sad when I die. Am way too bored of my life now honestly.. there's nothing in my life at the moment that excites me anymore.. I just bored of everything around me. This yearning something more than work and study. Suppose you can't have it all. Maybe I'll die alone with lots of books and papers in my house. 

Maybe I'll travel across the seas and find true love. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'll die a martyr. Maybe I'll be selfish rich bastard that doesn't give a fuck about anyone's life. It's too easy to be selfish and I really don't know how to be one. Life would be easier if I did though. Minus the guilt. That'd be a good life.

Everyone's too busy being selfish. I feel left out.