The Unbearable Lightness Of Being

It's been 3 plus weeks by rough calculation since it all began. Started early September. I'm thinking write therapy might help me work through the difficult situation better. Having heart palpitations and sudden cold fear when under stress has started to worry me. Only now has the realization dawned on me of the extent to which I'm woefully ill-equipped to handle extreme stress.

My mother is battling depression and I'm struggling to handle it and my reactions to it. It's been a week plus since she started her medication, I still regret not getting her started on it earlier. I know I'm not the one going through it but the worry, stress and fear makes me want to run for the hills so I won't have to deal with the pain and bleakness. I want it to be gone, I want out of the worry and anxiety. I know the facts, I know the time it's going to take, I know we are doing all we can but I can't help but want it fixed now so I can breathe and smile again without a care. It is selfish I know, but right now I'm afraid. Not of death but of the pain and suffering.

Worrying to the point of anxiety is too much. Anxiety to the point I'm sleep deprived is too much. I've also noticed a slight fear when I go to bed alone at night.

Dealing with the worry and anxiety is paramount, can't let it get out of hand. I find little enjoyment in anything and trying to distract myself is very temporary. I have this feeling that enjoying anything is somehow wrong when my mum is suffering and so is my dad the care giver. I know this is ridiculous, I am here and they are there, what's worrying and mopping going to do to help them?

In a few days I'm off for a wedding overseas, my sister will be the one going back this weekend. Yet I wonder if i can quit worrying. It takes time, time, time, I repeat this mantra to my mum and dad and yet I'm the one with the major difficulty accepting it. Accepting my powerless-ness to speed time up, and to lessen their suffering.

I have to learn to DEAL with this effectively. I'm not doing anyone any favours, not myself and certainly not them. And also my darling hun who's been my patient hero throughout. He's had to deal with an anxiety-ridden, sad and listless me day in day out. He encourages me and gives me practical advice which I know is sound, but the execution of which I'm failing at as yet. I told him with this trial it gives me perspective at least, how the many petty things I used to fret about at him I would gladly give anything to have again. And then I would take those petty things throw them away and rejoice at being so lucky and happy just to have each other.

I'm planning to write everyday if possible to work out my fears and anxiety through this period. To remind myself that whatever will happen, will happen and in fact has already happened, the path is already layed out. One step at a time, we're heading towards the inevitable.

Things to do:
1. Finding out if my company has any medical insurance coverage for parents of employees.

This ill ease will pass in a day or two. The ill ease of a post-disagreement despite it being 'sorted'. An ill ease of having been disagreeable in the first place and then taking so long to claw back to sanity. A guilt that's hard to displace and reconcile in every after.

Sometimes it feels like I'm standing back coolly watching as the other me does all the wrong things.

So in this murky mire I wander upon photos of people I'll never know and they're all happy, well-adjusted. It seems so easy for them. Then a shard of cold sharp fear pierces through and I am more troubled than before. I look at how little it took and find it hard not to despair.

One really shouldn't leave evidence lying around.

But even so I'm not sure it bothers me. Obviously it was removed (hidden?) so it wouldn't, but right now it's just a big yawn to me. Probably because I'd figured all along. What's more interesting is that I was right. Big deal.

And it's me that's supposed to be sneaking around, being mysterious and hiding things? How ironic. But still, not at all surprising.

I'm not upset, not right now. But who knows, maybe my indignance will get the better of me.

So. What's else don't I know? (And I'm tempted to say who cares anyway?)

The point Dr. Watson, and I'm sure you'll agree is that it was kept away in the first place.

Coming to terms with duality, the Jekyll and Hyde syndrome, or worse, multiple personalities? Hm.

Case in point; I've been saying goodbye for the last 2 months, lamenting his pending (at that time) absense incessantly but at the same time I looked forward to it sometimes, often when I was angry but also when I wasn't. Today there were no tears and his comforting words unnecessary. Oh it's nothing sinister really, it's just that it's not as long as the last time and time apart can be good. Funny how on my own I'm a mellower version of the hypersensitive creature I am when we're together. I'm less of the me he knows. A me who is very tiresome to both of us. I certainly confound him by one day telling him that I'm tired of him being around all the time and the next day saying I wish we had more waking hours to spend together. My poor hun, I can see his eyes rolling back in his head!

It's the push and pull in equal measure. I wish I could fully explain how the both are true at exactly the same time. Maybe it's the same way that light has the paradoxial nature of both waves and photons.

I hate my life. Why can't I get a break? Why can't things just go my way? Why don't I know what my way is?

Feel like I'm toeing the angry line of resentment. One day soon I'm going to fall face down in the bitterness I'm keeping at bay.

No positive thoughts tonight. Screw positive thoughts, they're just so tiring. Oftentimes I'm just holding my breath and blanking my mind to stop the negativity from flooding in.

Most days I'm genuinely happy for other people and other times it's pure resentment which of course is stupid because their successes have nothing to do with me.

I'm sick of life and screwing up and how it's screwed me. I don't ever want to be positive again if none of it is true. A false positive. No wonder my subconscious rebels against it. No wonder it's so easy to lose all happy feelings at the drop of a hat.

And I always want to run away, firstly from everyone and everything I know , but mostly from myself.

..literally.

Feeling hungry (only just). Hunger is such an immediate thing isn't it? No slow building or gradual acknowledgement, just a sudden pang and that's it; must-have-food-now! it cries. But I digress as much as my stomach begs to differ.

It's late in the night, or early morning and I should sleep if only so I can get up early enough not to miss any important calls that could change my situation. But I sit and stare and idly surf, get up and pace watched by quiet walls, lie back and fluctuate from calm to anxienty, to sadness, to self-pity/self-loathing, to bouts of crying, to pits of despair, to hopefulness, to optimism and back and forth, and back and forth again.

I stand by what I said, but I still need to examine things thoroughly. There is an area of immediate concern, but if I get rid of it, will there be any remaining issues uncovered? The kinds of issues that could be real deal-breakers if they can't be resolved. I don't know yet what they might be but there is only one way to find out. So that is the first step, with your help and my helping myself.

I've always known though that in principles we are fundamentally the same. Which is why I say that trust should be a non-issue. I trust myself completely without exceptions and I should afford that same level of trust to you and vice-versa. While we will never be able to prove beyond a doubt the other's trustworthiness, for some reason I am certain that you and I live by the same rules. In this one respect I will never waver. And it is not a chore my dear, not something I have to remind myself of, it is as natural as breathing and it is a joy to have you in an imaginary cartoon bubble wherever I go, whomever I see, whatever I do. There has only been you, not even in the worst of times has this changed. And sadly I can not convince you enough, this is something you must realise on your own. But when you need me to repeat it I will, till the day it becomes a refrain that resonates from within you.

I've been inundated with dreams. Unfortunately not the waking kind with aspirations of the future but the kind you have when sleep overtakes.

And I've had all kinds over the years, those that retell the past, foretell the future (yes, I've had those a few times) and most recently a barrage of those that are for want of a better word, vivid. It's so real it could be really happening. Everything in slow motion so that every word, every nuance, every action and reaction is felt keenly, deeply, truthfully. If only they were happy then it'd be a joy to remember each detail in technicolour when waking hour comes round.

The logical side of me says I shouldn't put any stock in it, after all the dreams are not of actual events and neither is there any indication that they are premonitions of the future. But I find it hard to let it go and dismiss it as meaningless drivel product of an over active imagination and a renegade subconsious. This is simply because of the emotion spent in its vivid throes were more real than real. They weren't very convoluted either, each scene, each message was crystal clear.

I know what I should do of course, face the deeper issues I may have rather than consuming them whole and leave the waking reality unscathed by my fictional hurt. That would be easier if the content of this most recent one wasn't so transparent that my ego would deny it to the death and will probably not survive a retelling. And the prospect of having it dismissed summarily doesn't encourage either.

In case you were thinking that you are exempt from such folishness, haven't you ever been disturbed by a dream? Something you find hard to shake off even days after the fact?

I have no conclusions. I guess we wait for it to pass, for the world to intrude with distractions and wipe out the neccesary.

Lifehouse
Live
Radiohead
Dashboard Confessional
Semisonic
Zero 7
Heaven
Collective Soul
Fuel

..I sleep a lot later than I should, everynight, weeknights included. As expected I wake up just before noon and feel guilty that it has taken me so long to start my day when others have already been slogging earning a living for nearly half of it. But then again I've grown into it, this 'taking a break' lifestyle. It's something which came as a complete surprise after the intinial 2 anxious weeks after I quit and it scares me when I let it, least it mean that I will never again get off my ass, don a suit and go back to work like normal people.

I'm still wavering between the 2 camps; the sensible quickly find a job and be a hardworking earning citizen once again camp and the free-spirited go on a holiday, discover yourself and don't worry, when you've had enough then start the job search camp. I've always taken the practical, reasonable road for as long as I can remember. Deciding to quit my new job without a safety net was a major departure. One that I didn't expect even those closest to me to understand, but they have all surprised me by being more positive about it than I was.

So at the moment I'm taking the middle path. I'm keeping an eye out for a job but taking my time going about it while at the same time trying to minimize worry about getting future employment and enjoying this rare extended leisure.

And oh, by the way I'm on the market, so if you have a job that could use my touch, do drop me a line. I don't come cheap though. Heh, unemployed and still tarik harga :) Well, at least I know my worth yes?

I'm on a one week break in between the old job and the brand spanking new one. Finally brushed off the ol' cobwebs and said good riddance to bad stuff.

Everyone keeps asking (or expecting) if I'm happy or excited or all gung-ho and such, but nah, I'm just sorta, erm, bracing? Reserving judgement for later? Being all world weary and cynical? Whatever it is I'm certainly not jumping up and down with joy. As the more experienced would agree, it's just a matter of finding another job that will pay you even more than your last one to undergo the same inevitable stress. I do think it's a sound move though, so onwards ho!

I'm glad too that my hun is moving on (way!) up as well. Funny we seemed to have unwittingly timed it to coincide, both of us on our third jobs.

I've only got one more day till the weekend, and my to do list is only halfway thru. 'To-do' lists,by the way, are a definite holiday mood killer. Unfortunately the way I'm wired, if I didn't have one to cross items off, it'd feel like a complete waste of holiday time. I swear sometimes it's like there are multiple short circuits in this brain and the rest are made up of live wires waiting to zap me senseless.

Heh, looks like business as usual I guess :p

I used to check my Statcounter account religiously. Now it doesn't even cross my mind. After all these days it's a hodge-podge of referring links from random searches anyway.

One day I'll come back to find that not only have I forgotten the password but also the user ID to this blog account.

Tick-tock, tick-tock
Matter of time
But still,
(I hope not.)


We've certainly moved on this passed 2-3 years though sometimes I think my life's stopped. But how can it? It's not an attribute of life. It can't stop, that is it's nature; to go on.

And yet.

I try to recall things, form meaningful memories, but struggle oftentimes to find relevance. I wonder if it's because too much has happened or too little of any significance. I refer only to myself, that while other things may have progressed, personally, I have receded into the background. I am no more of substance than the shadow I cast.

It gets confusing sometimes, I can be really happy and yet the feeling of being lost lingers on. It isn't tied to how I'm feeling at any particular point in time, it's a constant state of being. It makes it hard to move in any direction, if at all. Like being stuck at the crossroads all the time thinking 'What now?" I can't see where I've come from, where I'm going, what happened before or what's going to happen next. Not here, not there, not anywhere. It's not happy or sad, it's unease, unrest and it persists from back then, till now and it'll be there tomorrow.

Neither head nor tail. What to make of it?

The sterile, fluorescent-ly bright room with misleading cheery green panel curtains turned out to be a slaughter house. And like a butcher wielding a meat cleaver, there was bloodshed! The only sounds were the ineffectual gurgling gasps of white hot pain from the cornered, terrified lamb and the sickening high pitched squeal of whirring metal against enamel.

I went to the dentist today.

As you can see, she is the demon spawn from hell. No one will ever love her for no one could ever love a person you have to pay a pretty penny to torture you. She is surprisingly a rather attractive youngish lady but all that goes out the window the moment she dons the face mask and picks up her instruments of terror.

And have I somehow missed some new development in dentistry etiquette that now encourages the dental practitioner to use the patients chest as a table to hold instruments? I was rather befuddled to find my chest propping up various metal objects during my treatment. As if staring at my gaping mouth oozing blood in the mirror was not unsettling enough. This mirror into the unknown being yet another new and heinous add-on that I had never encountered before.

And guess what? No local anesthetic baby, not even Bonjela rubbed on the gums to dull the pain. She's obviously part sadist, maybe all dentists are. Are dentists exempt from bedside manner as well? I think for a profession that inspires so much fear, a little reassurance couldn't hurt.

I forgot to ask though, do fillings come with a warranty? I should very much like not to see her again for a very long time.

1.
"How much do you love me?"

*stretches out his arms as wide as they will go*

"This much!"

"Haiyoh, so little!"

*mock pout dissolves into huge grin and laughter all round*

2.
For the umpteenth time, "Why do you love me?"

Without batting an eyelid, "Dunno, pakai hentam aje!"

("-.-)

It's been a bit of a roller-coaster weekend, much the same as the last. But like I said, I take it as it comes, unexpectedly and dramatically unfortunately, but one at a time until it clears away. And it doesn't mar my outlook, the future I see is still the same bright one. Gone are the days when such episodes would leave me in quandary and fearful of my (our) prospects. That's right, we're in this together, for better or for worse. But still there is always regret at the end of things; that I wasn't a better person, that so much time was wasted, that too much sorrow was expanded. Always the regret, too late.


I'm looking forward to dinner with old friends tomorrow, there's much to catch up on. It doesn't always go swimmingly though. Sometimes it feels distant, like we have nothing left in common, and then other times like when I connect with her marvelously enigmatic little princess, it is decidedly satisfying. So we'll see. That we even bother to make the (monumental) effort to have these rare meet ups now that all of us have gone our separate ways, says something of the bond we share.


I have a date on Friday! Or Saturday, depends on when a game of grown men kicking around an inflated spherical object will be :p I worry though that we will have nothing to say to each other and not because we are tongue-tied and nervous, it's too late for that (but aw, wouldn't that be sweet?). It's funny because when I see others chatting away a mile a minute, I always wonder what it is they find so much to talk about. But we? We hold hands and blow kisses silently when no one is looking :)

One shouldn't have to try so hard, do so much, and get nothing in return.

Quick!

I'm back home in Ipoh for CNY and have only just managed to tap into an unsecured wifi connection. Unfortunately it locks me out every 5 minutes or so.

Hurry!

3 days into CNY and I'm already dying a slow certain death of boredom and neglect. There's (unfortunately?) only one place I really belong hence my impatience and dreariness when I'm away from it.

Time's almost up!

I've been thinking that I'll live my life looking forward to things. A way of making the present bearable by always looking forward, planning and scheming for the next exciting event. I remember a friend of mine who said she had to make sure she had weekend plans because looking forward to it made the weekdays pass easier. I know there are those who will (and have) expounded the wisdom of living in the present but that hasn't worked for me yet. Maybe there'll be time for that in the future when I'm ready to be mellower and stop expecting more out of every second. But for now my wisdom lies in seeking happiness the only way I know how.

Even if you don't agree and see it as a risky proposition to be so 'un-zen' I think you'll agree that trying to live the 'right' way without regard for what your capable of, is a sure way to lasting misery. And on my part if my expectations fall short, I'll just have to pick myself up again and move down the list to the next thing to look forward to.

The window's closing!

So right now I'm looking forward to (in order):

Valentine's Day!
Go-karting!

Over and out!

It's not over yet and it's already too short.

This year-end break is one of the longest I've ever taken and very possibly the most enjoyable. Technically I haven't gone anywhere or done anything especially 'holiday-like' but the sense of freedom (from a fixed schedule, responsibilities, drudgery etc) has been wonderfully more than adequate.

In general I dislike taking (wasting) leave unless there's a reason for it ie. as in there are specific holiday plans. I am a slave to the limited nature of annual leave and as such treat it like gold. But this time I find myself pondering the possibility of extending the holiday and weighing the consequences work-wise.

Perhaps you could call it escapism, this distance and apathy I now feel about all things work related. It's a creeping realisation that things have become a matter of dull routine and while the drop in quality might not be immediately apparent, the attention to minute detail and the desire to go the extra mile has gone out the window. Going back means facing it and taking action, a prospect I don't look forward to as change does not come easy to me.

Strangely it feels like everyone else is on leave too. I find myself surprised each time I'm reminded that other people are slogging away while I wake up in the wee hours of the afternoon, spend a disproportionate amount of time concocting pleasurable ways and means of filling my tummy and luxuriantly while the day away.

For now all that needs to be done is to continue to enjoy the rest of the holiday, which evidently won't be a hard task at all ;)

PS: There's a New Year's Eve makan (and minum!) to be planned! Yippee!