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here’s to my 5am emotional run.

i should have started writing again eons ago,
yet i feel like i’m writing too fast too soon.

i’m turning 24 in less than two weeks yet
i feel as if i’m turning 42 or older
instead.
.

my friends…i have many cherished friends.
many of whom i cannot keep in touch with
as much as i desire to
for the time being.

i don’t want to say i’m feeling caged by external circumstances
but

this is my emotional honesty.
.

there is much to be said
about
much more to be done.

it pains me to remain this cryptic for the time being
because of those who abused the permission to read into my words,
look into my thoughts,
share my world
view
in exchange for theirs.
.
.

it hurts me even more to know that they will be in denial of this fact even if hell proverbially freezes over twice
or thrice.

just because they think they know better
just because they think they know it all

even though i’ve stopped counting
the times they said i was right
all along.

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this is a blog after all.
web log, web journal,
private yet not.

my information has been written down to be shared with a select few
as well as many more others i do not care to know
whether or not they are reading these words
which sacredness is dependent on the meanings they have for the author.
.

only those with an open mind and heart
will get what i mean
when i say that

i
dont
give
a
fuck*
about
what
you
think
of
me

because*.

.

because i’m fucking tired of the shit you enjoy putting yourself through at my
fucking emotional expense,
intentional or not.
.

if you truly, sincerely Care about me like you vehemently say you do
kindly stop being an emotional whiny shit
just because my intuition spoke certain highly unpleasant truths about you

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.

thank you.

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this is my psychological journal, my psyche speaking out for itself in written, typed, digital words.

marilyn monroe got it right when she said that if you can’t handle me at my worst, if you can’t deal with my own fucking truth yet still demand that i be emotionally honest with you, if you want to deal with Me yet want to be selective about who or what you deal with when it comes to me,

then you sure as hell don’t fucking deserve the best of me.
kamsia.

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this is why i hate society.
because i hate people.
for their inability to deal with their own insecurities head on.
and somehow expect me to deal with them,
for them.

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fuck you.

no, seriously.

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i feel torn about having this post published already
considering my vast capacity for empathy
for certain people i know will read this post
sooner or later.

but, should you choose to read and take my words into consideration
to the point where you feel shitty or uncomfortable or deeply disturbed
about
the possibility that this post may actually be about you
because of the type and level of involvement you have [had] with me
in life,

then,
for the sake of your sanity,
there’s no fucking point for you to keep reading my journal.

.
For
considering that if i can’t speak my mind frankly with you off the computer
and on the computer too,

i don’t foresee a liberating future with you in my life.
.
.
.
i’m sorry
but
pandering to one’s poorly built and/or maintained self-esteem
is not my idea of a healthy relationship.
.
.
if you can’t even live with yourself, by yourself,
you sure as hell cannot expect anyone to live your life for you.

we’ve all got our own shits to worry on our own
without needing your shits to add on to them.

i don’t want extra shits in my life.

i certain don’t want yours on top of mine.
.
.
.
a relationship isn’t about parenting each other.
whatever it is, it’s definitely not that.
the moment you insist co-dependency is necessary,
i’d say you have mummy or daddy issues.

issues are issues;
best way to avoid and escape from them is
to solve them.

.
ask anyone self-confident and self-assured [enough], and
i’d bet you my plane ticket back to Malaysia that

self-sufficiency and self-reliance
are not the same as
being “unable” to love someone else whole-heartedly.

.

just like how wanting to share your entire life with someone else
is simply not the same as
being need-y.

that gap, that sense of emptiness or loneliness you have within you
can never truly be properly filled
by someone else

because all we truly need for our selves,
really,
is self-love,

loving thyself unconditionally.

.
if you can’t even do that,
self-loving unconditionally,
you’re really overestimating yourself when you think you can do that for someone else.

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Mind you,
self-love is not necessarily the same as being ‘selfish’ or ‘self-centered’.
Sincere love simply starts with the self
that is all;

it’s as simple and complicated as that.

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I understand that those who are not familiar or not used to this concept of ‘loving thyself’
will find it hard to appreciate its wisdom to its fullest extent.

But that is no excuse to not sincerely give it a good shot.
.

Especially when you know
deep down
that I speak nothing but the truth about this.

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Again, focusing on how hurt you’re feeling because of what you’ve read
defeats the purpose of being able to think critically
for yourself.

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Know that
the person who truly loses out
is the person who cannot stand to face their own reflection right in the eyes.

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* I don’t really care what most people think about me, especially when they don’t bother trying to get to know me properly on a personal level.
I do care about the cherished few people in my life;
they know who they are

In case you haven’t already noticed, this post takes a highly personal turn at a certain breaking point at the top.