Fairy Flutters

She is so sweet. I love her to pieces.

I feel so alone out here all the time. It sucks. I was just reading a blog by someone with far more to complain about than I have and she finds joy in the simple moments. She’s not sitting around feeling sorry for herself.

I cleaned house for an hour, baked a cake, made coffee. I get to sit here and look out at the beautiful blue sky and live a quiet drama free life. It’s nothing to be crying about.

Last week I found out my grandmother died. It’s ripping me apart. All I have to do is think of her and I tear up. Death is so final.

Sometimes I think I need a good antidepressant and a shrink. Other times I think I just need to get more sleep, watch what I eat and go for walks.

The girls will be here soon and my house will be loud again. I’m never alone yet I always am.

The girls were off from school yesterday so today feels like Monday. Cate woke me up at 4 a.m. and I let her watch cartoons on my ipod while I slept. Billy moved to the couch. Good times.

We nearly missed the bus this morning because they were dawdling and I lost track  of time. Thank goodness our driver stops anyway. They took off running and now I am enjoying the peace that comes with the bus. Makes me feel lucky.

I have to go meet a lady to give her my old breastpump I listed on Craigslist. I hope she turns up and is normal and gives me the cash. It will be nice to add to my stash. Makes me nervous though. Think I’ll meet her somewhere public, say a little prayer and it will be fine, right? Oh that reminds me. I need to charge my phone.

I should get up and go to the gym. I looked at myself in the mirror yesterday and was horrified. My disgust though is only outweighed by my lack of desire to get up and go.

It feels like everyday I’m fighting the battle against slipping into the winter time blues. It’s hard. I know what I need to do but then I don’t do it.

Goals for today?

That’s it. That’s enough, right?

My life is pretty good. Reflecting on that makes me feel happy instead of disgruntled and ungrateful. I love these loud, crazy kids, my strong, hard working husband and my hilarious, sweet friends.

What a weird dream I had last night just before waking up. I was at my 20 year high school reunion (which isn’t until next year actually and I won’t be going). I was having conversations with people I haven’t seen in years when someone showed a video from when we were at the lake one time back in 1992. I saw myself the way I looked then and then looked down and saw my present self. It was so sad. Can’t believe that was 20 years ago. That was such a good summer.

What a reality check when I saw my face in the mirror and pulled on my XL comfy pants so I could drag my ass into the kitchen and make coffee before I fix breakfast, pack lunches and wake the girls. Really made me want to crawl back in the bed and go back to sleep.

But I didn’t.

Now I’m feeling a bit guilty for just how much I enjoyed watching those two daughters of mine run and catch their bus. Sometimes I baby them too much. I often help them get dressed and I always do their hair. This morning I let them do much of that themselves (except their hair, it would be a mess!) Forgot to give Emma her backpack and the bus got here and she was scrambling and freaking out. Our bus driver is great. It’s not like she’d drive away. So funny!

And now peace and quiet. Audrey and I have gotten into our little routine where she lounges in Emma’s bed watching cartoons for a bit while I watch the Today Show and eat my breakfast. It is so nice.

I think I am going to stay here today even though I know I should go exercise. I don’t want to. Let’s call cleaning your house fast while loud music plays exercise, shall we?

Here are some things I have on my oh-so-exciting agenda:

Let’s be realistic. If I do two of the things on that list, I’ve been extremely productive!

Had a much better day today. So glad I got out of this house. The walls were closing in. I felt like I should have stayed here and cleaned but knew I wouldn’t and it was better. After meeting a friend for a few hours, I came home feeling so much better that I actually did something I’ve been putting off for days.

The girls just got home from school and are watching cartoons. I love listening to them talk to each other. It’s very sweet when they’re getting along. Not so much when they’re not.

Planning little events to look forward to. Maybe a small party here. A manicure and a haircut later this month. A possible trip somewhere fun in March. I am not a planner but maybe this year I’ll try to be a little bit of one. It seems like it would help.

The weather is so crazy. One day it’s warm, the next day it’s cold. Right now it’s colder in my house than it is outside. I’m glad for it though. I’d be even more of a mess if there were no sunny days in the middle of winter.

Less than six months and the kids will be out of school again. Six months will fly by. We need to think about a vacation. I wish we had someone to go with us who would help with the girls but my in-laws would drive me insane. I don’t know what the answer is. Last year was fun but so exhausting. Looking for a beach that’s a little closer this year. I sort of miss the days when it was just me and Billy not that I don’t love my daughters but being with them so much is mentally draining. (Anyone who says it isn’t lies!) Life was so easy then and I didn’t even realize it. If I had someone I trusted completely who could handle it, I’d love to go on a long weekend without them but that idea is frightening, too. I’m sure I’d miss them.