Drunks Much More Likely to Survive Trauma

BOSTON—Trauma victims who were drunk at the time of their injury have higher survival rates than their sober counterparts, says a study in the journal American Surgeon.

A study of nearly 8,000 trauma patients found that 7% of the sober died of their injuries, while drunks croaked only 1% percent of the time. Trauma patients who came in to the hospital drunk were discharged sooner as well.

Previous studies on animals found that alcohol helps prevent nerve damage and the new study suggests that alcohol might have a place in treating traumatic injuries.

Somebody Actually Voted For This Idiot

DES MOINES—Emboldened by the FDA’s plainly unconstitutional ban on alcohol-caffeine hybrid Four Loko, Iowa State Sen. Brian Schoenjahn has proposed a bill that would make Irish Coffees, Black Russians, rum and cokes and any other cocktail containing both alcohol and caffeine illegal.

Bartenders caught mixing the dastardly beverages would face fines and up to a month in jail, and the offending bar would have its liquor license permanently revoked. No word if Schoenjahn would next apply his keen logic to banning other dangers, like the six Big Macs he undoubtedly wolfed down for breakfast.

Boozers Brighter

LONDON—A UK study reports that the more intelligent children are the more alcohol they’re likely to drink as adults. The exhaustive National Child Development Study monitored the test subjects from their childhoods to their 40s, and found that children scoring in the top “very bright” category grew up to drink almost twice as much as their “very dull” counterparts. Children of average intelligence generally grew up to drink average amounts of alcohol during their average lives.

Round Record Smashed by Civil Servant
TOKYO—Heroic architect and all-around swell fellow Kaz Miura smashed the world record for buying a round for the house by shouting for an astonishing  3,011 shots at the Geronimo bar in Tokyo.

The grand gesture, which set Miura back $36,890, more than doubled the previous record held by Jack Amos, who ordered a mere 1,222 rounds in Newcastle upon Tyne, England in 1974.

Miura said he wasn’t celebrating anything in particular and was “hoping my wife understands.”

Good luck with that, Kaz.

Men Caught Trying to Sell $500,000 of Stolen Wine in a Parking Lot

LOS ANGELES—Acting on a tip, detectives observed a fellow trying to sell bottles of 2007 Robert Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon in a parking lot, then trailed him and another man to a nearby self-storage unit, said police Capt. Steven Finkelstein.

There the detectives arrested the two men and discovered an estimated 1,000 cases of wine with what police said was a retail price of $500,000. Authorities said the wine was last seen on board a tractor-trailer that was stolen in Ontario.

Theft of wine cargo is fairly common, police said, since the bottles are relatively easy to sell and difficult to track.

“Everybody likes wine,” Finkelstein noted.

                         
237-year Old Bottle of Non-Stolen Wine Goes for $77,000

PARIS—A 1774 bottle of Vin jaune (yellow wine) was auctioned for $77,000 in France.

The bottle of wine, brewed from grapes during Louis XVI’s reign, hit the record price at a wine festival in Arbois, France.

Pierre Chevrier, the Swiss gentleman who won the bid, said he regarded the price reasonable.

“My passion is to open bottles and I am delighted to have bought this bottle of yellow wine, which I will drink,” he said.

World’s Oldest Winery Found

ARMENIA—A UCLA-led team has discovered a 6,000-year-old winery in an Armenian cave. The recent dig unearthed everything necessary to make wine, including a grape press, fermentation vats, storage jars and wine-soaked pottery shards.

The winery is at least 1,000 years older than any similar facility previously known, and was found in the same cave where researchers in June announced the discovery of the world’s oldest leather shoe.

Drunk Celebrity News in Brief

HOLLYWOOD!—Pregnant singer Pink says if she has a son she’s going to name him Jameson, after her favorite drink. Good thing she doesn’t drink Fighting Cock. Lady Gaga has revealed she’s on “the drunk diet” and likes to “drink whiskey and stuff while I’m working,” and this announcement in no way has anything whatsoever to do with the fact that her bartender boyfriend is about to release a book called “The Drunk Diet.” Foxy Brown showed up at Fashion Week in NYC so drunk she was escorted out of Red Bull Space in SoHo. I have no idea what that sentence is trying to say. Charlie Sheen revealed he likes to wake up to the crack of ice in the morning. Or just plain crack. About 100 celebrities were arrested for DUI.

Okay, that’s all you’re getting.

Drunks More Likely to Get Ripped

BOSTON—The more people drink, the more they exercise, reports a large-scale survey published in The American Journal of Health.

“Heavy drinkers exercise about 10 more minutes per week than current moderate drinkers and about 20 more minutes per week than current abstainers,” the authors of the study said. Furthermore, “an extra episode of binge drinking increases the number of minutes of total and vigorous physical activity per week for both women and men.”

 The authors admitted they were confounded by their own report, declaring the survey results did not “follow expected patterns.”

WikiLeaks Spills Shocking Lack of Concern for Whiskey Leaks

WIKILEAKS—President Ali Abdullah Saleh, the authoritarian ruler of Yemen, which bans alcohol consumption, told US Army General David Petraeus that he was very concerned about the smuggling of drugs and weapons from nearby Djibouti. He wasn’t so concerned about another form of contraband.

“Tell (Djiboutian President) Ismail Guelleh that I don’t care if he smuggles whiskey into Yemen,” Saleh told Petraeus. “Provided it’s good whiskey.“

WHO Releases International Booze Rankings and Guess What? We Suck

GENEVA—The tiny but spunky nation of Moldova lunged up from fourth place to capture the number one spot in the World Health Organization’s prestigious Global Alcohol Consumption Awards. Moldovans drank the equivalent of 18.22 liters of pure alcohol per capita yearly.

The Czech Republic, who were knocked out of the top spot, clung to second place, followed by Eastern European powerhouses Hungary, Russia and the Ukraine. The UK chugged in at 17th, Australia embarrassed itself with a 44th-place finish and America—for the love of Christ—shamefully gimped in at the 56th position, well behind countries that probably don’t even exist, like Burundi and Niue.

This Beer Is Totally Gay

MEXICO CITY—A Mexican microbrewery has introduced what it says is the world’s first two beers specifically made for the homosexual community.

The pair, called Salamandra and Purple Hand Beer, have a slight honey flavour and will be initially marketed to gay drinkers in Mexico, Colombia and Japan.

A Minerva Brewery spokesman said that the “artisan honey-ales” would appeal to a segment of the beer-drinking community that has felt disappointed by the failure of larger breweries in releasing gay beers.
The spokesman added that the label on the bottles is designed to be peeled off and worn as a symbol of gay or lesbian pride and/or an advertisement for the brewery. The brewery is also planning to release a strawberry-flavored variant.

Web site GayAgenda.com announced that it wasn’t certain if the gay community was being insulted or honored.

No stranger to trying to cash in on controversy, in 2007 the brewery released Malverde pilsner, honoring Jesus Malverde, the patron “saint” of narcotics traffickers.