Davezilla: Clean Humor, Filthy Comments

When we describe ourselves as being, “Super athletic.â€
You hear, “Flexes in front of the mirror. Every. Damn. Day.â€

When we describe ourselves as, “A big guy.â€
You hear, “A big, fat guy.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “Quick-witted.â€
You hear, “Lies quickly.â€

When we describe ourselves as, “A traveler.â€
You hear, “Cheats on the road.â€

When we describe ourselves as, “A seasoned traveler.â€
You hear, “Strippers across the country know him by name.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “In a band.â€
You hear, “Cheats on the road, while high.â€

When we describe ourselves as, “A burger and beer kind of guy.â€
You hear, “Frequents Hooters.â€

When we describe ourselves as, having “Refined tastes.â€
You hear, “Disturbing fetishes.â€

When we describe ourselves as, “A skirt chaser.â€
You hear, “Upskirt camera perv.â€

When we describe ourselves as, “A professional photographer.â€
You hear, “About to ask if I’ve ever posed nude in T-minus 3… 2… 1.â€

When we describe ourselves as, “A picky eater.â€
You hear, “Gay.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “Powerful.â€
You hear, “Jealous. Dangerously so.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “Relentless†or, “Tenacious.â€
You hear, “Restraining order.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “Studious.â€
You hear, “Digs nerdy chicks.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “A comic book nerd.â€
You hear, “Prefers animé girls to real ones.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “Addicted to video games.â€
You hear, “Prefers animated girls to real ones.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “Very religious.â€
You hear, “Future cult leader.â€

When we describe ourselves as, “Non-chalant.â€
You hear, “Gay.â€

When we describe ourselves as being, “A loner.â€
You hear, “I stockpile weapons and live in a cabin.â€

When we describe ourselves as enjoying, “Simple pleasures.â€
You hear, “Chronic masturbator.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “Svelte.â€
We hear, “Bulimic.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “Curvy.â€
We hear, “Fat.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “Buxom.â€
We hear, “Morbidly obese.â€

When you describe yourself as, “Creative.â€
We hear, “Kinky.â€

When you describe yourself as, “Having classic looks.â€
We hear, “6/10.â€

When you describe yourself as, having “European looks.â€
We hear, “My nose could split logs.â€

When you describe yourself as, “Sexy.â€
We hear, “Puts out on first date.â€

When you describe yourself as, “Having unique looks.â€
We hear, “May frighten small children.â€

When you describe yourself as, “A picky eater.â€
We hear, “I will complain about anything and everything.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “Breezy.â€
We hear, “Unemployed, possibly homeless.â€

When you describe yourself as, “A femme fatale.â€
We hear, “I’m completely psychotic.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “Lonely, but looking.â€
We hear, “Desperate.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “A real party girl!â€
We hear, “My vagina can house an NBA team. And has!â€

When you describe yourself as being, “Career-minded.â€
We hear, “I like to shag on my desk.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “A strong athlete.â€
We hear, “A strong lesbian.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “Honest.â€
We hear, “Gullible.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “Open minded.â€
We hear, “Open relationship.â€

When you describe yourself as, “Observant.â€
We hear, “I will find all of your porn. And destroy it.â€

When you describe yourself as being, “A Church-goer.â€
We hear, “I will find all of your porn. And destroy it.â€

When you describe yourself as, “Loving food.â€
We hear, “Kirstie Alley.â€

Relax, women. The opposite version comes out tomorrow.

I think my pug Bennie is a dead ringer for Loaf of Bread Pug. What do you think?

Click for full size image

Infographic via Stephania Andrade.