The Daily Bitch (via Mowser)

AKA Monty
OkieLand
Brain-Soup.Blogspot.Com

41 yr. young single mom. 15-year-old twins, boy & girl. My son is disabled. My life is often amusing / frustrating / ridiculous. I'm fairly neurotic, frequently depressed, often anxious. Come and experience my unqualified mediocrity.

My Personal Philosophy:
Take life with a grain of salt, a dash of pepper, and a shot of tequila.

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RedneckMama1@GMail.com

"You're like Erma Bombeck, only MEAN."
- Andrew Speno

"People either love you or really
really really really really
hate you."
- Molly B.

"I keel joo." - Jami R.

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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Brain Soup, extra chunky style

I am hanging by a thread and my hands have started to sweat.
I hate that I have slid so far without being able to catch myself.
I discovered that I have many false expectations, and I can't decide if I should raise or lower them.
I am shadowed and overshadowed.
Shadowed is a weird word after you say it a few times.
People who ride around on their High Horses make me want to skewer them with jousting poles. It would be like making asshat-kabobs.
My hair is becoming naturally frosted.
Sometimes I feel as though I am mute, and I like it.
I hate being lectured.
A half-ounce of understanding is a lot more valuable than a pound of critique.
Critique and plastique are both highly explosive and extremely destructive with the right trigger. I don't think that's a coincidence. Plus they rhyme. I don't think that's a coincidence either.
Sometimes you just need a hug with no strings or words attached.
Trust is a 5-letter-word, like bitch or prick.
I don't understand not understanding loyalty.
Sometimes "it's not you, it's me" is really true.
Sometimes it's really you and NOT me.
Leave me alone.
Don't go.

Labels: crazy shit, stuff that sucks, why I hate people

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Both sides of the coin

Sometimes it's easier being a single parent because...
You don't have to consult with anyone about appropriate punishment
You don't have to make sure you're "on the same page" with anyone
You get to decide how long the grounding lasts
You get to make all the rules
You get to be the boss of everyone.

Sometimes it's harder being a single parent because...
You don't have anyone to consult with about appropriate punishment
You don't have anyone to make sure you're "on the same page"
You have to decide how long the grounding lasts
You have to make all the rules
You have to be the boss of everyone.

Labels: kids, single parenting, stuff I like, stuff that sucks

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Re Evaluating

Yesterday was the dreaded IEP meeting for my son - actually, mine are pretty okay. He's in the multiple-disability class you know, so it's always pretty much the same. The goals are simple: matching words to objects, putting blocks in a bucket, tolerating the stander for 45 minutes at a time, choosing the letters of his name and stamping his name on paper. Really the only thing that ever changes is the percentage of times he's expected to get the task correct.

Basically we read through all the extremely wordy, repetitious, and double-speaky government-drone-written paperwork (and OMG I feel for the teachers who have to read it to me - and it is required that they read it aloud). No big dealio.

I mean he is what he is - he's cute and often funny and generally filled with laughter...and typically teen with outbursts of temper and fighting me when I try to get him up in the morning and just being generally difficult. I don't usually think about his disabilities - it's just like background noise and I don't notice. We have our routines and you do what you gotta do. He's my boy, I'm his mom, and that is that.

But sometimes it sneaks up on me - the momentary sadness that swamps every cell when we go over the results of the latest Callier-Azusa Scale test, and once again all areas measure in the 4-9 month old range.
He's 16 now so I think THIS YEAR it's not going to bother me - and then I see it and I feel my face turn red and my eyes fill with tears and I stare at the paper and nod so the teacher won't see me try not to cry. I'm sad because I know that it's never going to be any better. I'm not going to suddenly see a miraculous range of 1-2 years old, even.

And then I think of a funny story to say about something he's done and everyone laughs and the PE teacher pats my hand and tells me she loves my IEPs and looks forward to them every year and then the sad moment passes and everything is okay.

And I have a whole year to work on forgetting about it before we have to do it all again.

Labels: kids, less shallow thoughts, single parenting, stuff that sucks

Thursday, September 29, 2011

WHAT. EVER.

Dear ONG,

WE ARE NOT FALLING FOR YOUR PROPAGANDA! Oh sure, you've got Mother Nature all "ooooh switch to gas and get this GINORMOUS REBATE check! ooooh!" but what you don't say is "OOH YOU BETTER SAVE THAT REBATE CHECK FOR WHEN WE HIKE THE RATES AND RAM IT UP YOUR ASS THIS WINTER WITH NO LUBE TO THE TUNE OF $200-$300 EACH MONTH FROM DECEMBER TO MARCH!"
Yeah. Now THAT would be full disclosure.
Have a nice day. And also SUCK IT ONG.

Sincerely,
A much abused customer who only uses your services because she has no other options

Labels: craptastic, open letters, stuff I don't get, stuff I hate

Thursday, June 16, 2011

A codicil

Okay, so if you've been hanging around this joint for the last few years, you've probably read about my final wishes once I've shuffled off this mortal coil.
And I'm not even joking you.
HOWEVER.
Late one night I had a ...if I do say so myself...BRILLIANT IDEA.
Also it made me laugh a lot because it is sort of sick and twisted and totally Me.
Maybe a little gross too.

I have decided to be cremated - seriously, who wants to take up space and have groundwater (possibly SEWER WATER EW) seepage and rats trying to chew in to eat your face?
NOT ME.

So cremation.
And a memorial service at which My Final Wishes are strictly followed -- with an added...bonus.

I am going to get keychains with little urns (or GENIE LAMPS! YES!) attached to them, and EVERYONE GETS A SCOOP OF ME TO TAKE HOME.
Like a party favor.

No, you have to take me. It's the rule.
Also I am hoping (FINGERS CROSSED!!) that this makes haunting easier.
Because I'm totes hoping that God and I can come to some agreement on that.
Yeah.
Putting the Fun into Funeral.
The recessional music will be Paul Young singing:
Every time you go away
You take a piece of me with you
You'll be there, right?

Labels: creepy stuff, funny thoughts, happy fun time, stuff that makes me laugh

Friday, May 20, 2011

me thinks.

It's funny how sometimes a person can often hurt your feelings (unintentionally, I hope I'm sure) with careless words, thoughtlessness or just plain old forgetfulness...but you don't say anything about it because you don't want THEM to feel bad.

I get way more than I give.
Sorry about that.

There's no business like ho business.
Someone should write a song about that.

The commercial that says "Switch to Cox" makes me laugh and wonder if it's a subliminal PSA for lesbians.

I hate it when someone does a nice thing for you and then makes you feel obligated FOREVER. It's like indentured ass-kissitude.

You ever feel like your brain is a TV only someone else has the remote and won't stop channel surfing? Or looking for free porn?
Oh wait, that last thing is something else entirely. Whoops.

Labels: flotsam, stuff that makes me laugh, stuff that sucks

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

In Honor Of VD, a re-post

Aaah Valentine's Day... a day for laHOvaHERS.
As you head out for (or maybe wrap up) your fancy schmancy red-hot date, let's just take a moment to...
consider the possibilities.
To that end, I offer you a re-post of mine from long ago.

10 Things The Romance Books Don't Tell You How To Handle

1. Skidmarks
2. Morning breath
3. The first time you fart during sex
4. Smelly feet
5. What happens when you fix beans & cornbread for dinner, and then sleep over
6. The first time you have to poo when he/she is at your house.
7. All sorts of body odors in all sorts of places
8. A little something hanging from your nose (or his) when you're on a date.
9. Hairy backs on otherwise perfect-for-you men
10. First Date Food In Your Teeth

YOU. ARE. WELCOME.

Some of you wrote to ask why I didn't haul out the annual birthday post for my kids...well, I had originally decided to re-do the whole thing but when I sat down to write, it kept coming out as more of a post about me, about the struggles our little 3-person family has had, and I didn't want it to be like that.
So next year - it's a biggie, EIGHTEEN! - I will overhaul the post and make it bright and shiny and new.
But thank you for asking.
And the kids and I thank you for all the birthday wishes yesterday.

Labels: all you need is love, birthday, kids